By: Emma Sikes
In my home state of North Carolina the Republican-controlled General Assembly recently successfully overrode the Democratic governor's veto, forcing most abortions to be banned after 12 weeks. Ron DeSantis quietly signed legislation that would ban most abortions after six weeks in Florida. It will join the 14 other states with either full bans with no exceptions for rape or incest or 6-15 week bans. Women will and have died because of this ruling and others like it. It’s not an alarmist thing to say; it's just the truth. Women have been conditioned to think they don’t deserve things that are freely given to men, in this case bodily autonomy. The lives of women are undervalued more than that of men. To most women, this is not a surprise. We don’t say it outloud often, but we know the reality.
Pregnancy is counted from the first day of the woman's last period, not from the day of conception which generally occurs two weeks later. So, your pregnancy technically starts before you’ve even gotten any. Especially if you live in any of these areas where law makers have decided to take a woman’s right to choose away. Before you find a hot, sexy lay, first look back at your period tracking app and maybe start coming up with a list of baby names. Or, if you want to attempt to comply with the absurd restrictions set by these idiodic men, call ahead to the clinic of your choice and let them know of your plans to be frisky. Just fill the receptionist in on your weekend plans, you're going to go out, planning to let loose, have a few drinks, and dance with strangers. One thing is definitely going to lead to another and for that reason you need to go ahead and make an appointment. The receptionist seems a little confused (you get that), so you keep talking. You explain that drunk you is far too trusting of men and sometimes you forget to bring a condom in your itty bitty purse. You go on to say that lately you haven't been taking your birth control pills at the same time every night, and sometimes you miss one here and there. You don’t feel that your forgetfulness should cause you to have to uproot your current life, and honestly really change the dynamic of your friend group (which consist of hot, silly, 2o somethings who have absolutely no business being in charge of themselves, let alone a baby). You now have the receptionist giggling and totally onboard, but she finally checks the schedule and it seems even though you called 2 weeks before the intended banging, everyone in your town also needs an appointment.
Barb tells you her next available appointment is in 4 weeks. You pontificate that since today, you were visited by Aunt Flow, your plans to “go nutzo” are 2 weekends away, and let's be honest there is absolutely no way you're leaving that club without getting any. So, statistically, the men who will be at that club at that hour, who also want to bang, probably, won’t have a condom, or a bedframe for that matter. Barb would never tell you to cancel your plans, she knows the importance of a night out on the prowl. She just confirms what you already know: that technically now, assuming you achieve your goal (getting some) at this very moment you are pregnant (per the govt.) and during your Sunday morning debrief you will technically be 2 weeks pregnant. Another 2 weeks after that, as you're getting ready for your appointment you get a call, Barb informs you that the doctor has just had an emergency and will have to push back your appointment another week. Barb settles your nerves by saying “We’re still within the legal limit, just look at your availability, we’ve got you!” God, she’s an angel. Phew that was close! Was about 7 days away from committing a crime and altering my entire life because some rando had nice smelling cologne. Honestly though, I should’ve known better. I should’ve called 3-4 weeks before we had planned our night out, silly me! I know that women have to be a few steps ahead at all times in order not to get taken advantage of! I learned that early on by reading “The Care and Keeping of You”, that life- changing American Girl Doll book I was gifted at age 9. I should’ve been taking my birth control pills on time, I totally should’ve had an extra condom (1 in each size to be safe), and I probably shouldn’t have given that guy the time of day. But I did. No person should have to seek out dangerous courses of action because the medical professionals that we entrust with our health are not legally allowed to perform necessary procedures that we have the right to receive. Women will die because of this ruling, and ones formed in its likeness. Being six weeks pregnant does not mean you have six weeks to get an abortion.
If men were the ones who needed abortions, I don’t even think they’d get past the making of the appointment. I don’t know a single man who could be told he couldn't be fit in for at least 2 weeks, there's a 24 hour waiting period, AND a required state-mandated counseling, and ultrasound, without him punching a huge hole in the wall. All the while feeling like he’s somehow doing something that's illegal, asking the caregivers within the clinic to risk their livelihoods as well as run the risk of being sued, just so he can get the care he deserves, that he has a right to receive. This is obviously a satirical article, with an exaggerated scenario and isn’t intended to offend anyone. If you still believe restricting abortion access is pro life, that's your cross to bear. I’m not here to change your mind, just attempting to convey the plight of the modern woman. We’re messy, we’re late, we’re spontaneous, we’re loud, we’re silly and as much as you don’t wanna hear it we’re having sex.
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