By: Emma Sikes
Cover By: Morgan Epps
Not clickbait! Young, horny, hub gets banned by her naughty step-daughter, the government. Finally, some restrictive legislation that affects men’s bodies, amiright ladies? All jokes aside, there are a number of states affected by this ban on porn; Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Montana, North Carolina, Utah, Texas, Virginia and Kansas just to name a few. If you find yourself dwelling in a porn-less state, wondering how this “free” nation, “under God” managed take away your American right to jerk it, keep reading because I’ve cracked the case right open.
Unfortunately, as Americans we are uniquely familiar with lengthy documents filled with ludicrous theories on how to “Make America Great Again”, I am of course referring to Project 2025. A nine hundred and twenty page plan that (among other things) criminalizes pornography and those who create, distribute, and consume it. (Gasp!) The proposed plan suggests porn producers be sent to prison, and the tech companies that circulate it, be publicly castrated in the center of whatever town they were born in. Many are staunchly against this cruel and unusual punishment for merely creating niche content for a hungry audience. Some would argue these people are doing God’s work, creating tirelessly in order to feed the masses. (Not dissimilar to the work we do here at BOOBEES). Especially Christians, they love forgiving people for their previous mistakes, for example, when the authors of Project 2025 endorsed DJT for the upcoming election, they simply forgave him for his previous trespasses; Posing on covers for Playboy Magazine, appearing in Playboy videos interviewing models, and for opening the nation’s first strip club inside a casino. All deplorable offenses, that can conveniently be overlooked because in all other aspects he is a perfectly wholesome candidate.
How the ban, began; a law aimed at keeping minors away from porn and other “age-inappropriate” online content took effect in Kansas, last July. When someone in a banned state visits an adult site, a pop-up window will appear, to continue the user must verify and prove they are 18 or older. Websites that do not comply face penalties of tens of thousands of dollars, money that should instead be allocated to intimacy coordinator's and tbh set design (why are they always in an empty house?). Even if you are an sex pos baddie, uploading your legal documents to a porn site, where the laws are murky on storing and keeping your private information, is not ideal, and doesn’t prohibit minors from having access to the site. We were all young once, we know fake identification exists and is easily attainable. Your stored information also creates a trail, a searchable history of your activity on the website, a fate that delusional North Carolina Gubernatorial candidate, Mark Robinson is all too familiar with.
These laws were conceived to “protect children online”, but my immediate reaction is, why are children, online? It’s like bringing a baby to a bar, there’s absolutely no reason to expose it to the horrors that are a cash-only, wildly crass, yet euphoric place, until it is their time to do so. (The second they turn 21). Representatives who voted against the law, voice their concerns about who exactly is defining “inappropriate material” “because your definition might be categorically different than mine.” Ken Collins, a Mulberry state representative, and the sole republican to vote against the law, reports the law uses a definition of “harmful to minors” that includes acts of homosexuality. Collins said as a result, age verification could be required to view a non-explicit news story about a same-sex couple. Limiting the “type” of information that is readily available to us, prohibits us from experiencing the vast, and expansive powers of the internet. (Which is what makes it so great.) Am I proposing showing every child two girls one cup? No. Do I know exactly where and when I watched it in middle school, yes. (and I’m better for it).
All I’m saying is, when a large group of (hot) people’s lives are interrupted and inconvenienced because some kid searched the word BOOBEES on the family computer…it is not my fault. It was inevitable! Also anyone in a porn-banned state hit me up I’ll screen record my faves and send em right over because, WE ARE NOT GOING BACK.
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