By: Emma Sikes
Kansas City Chiefs kicker, Harrison Butker addressed a room of college graduates last weekend, taking time out of his no doubt busy (post Super Bowl winning) schedule to speak directly to the women in the audience “because I think it is you, the women, who have had the most diabolical lies told to you”. And may I be the first to say, Please, stop thinking and stick to kicking. Also the word diabolical is reserved for evil wizards in their lairs twiddling their fingers and cooking up plans for world domination only, you do not get to weave it into your everyday vernacular. He unfortunately proceeded to speak…“How many of you are sitting here now about to cross this stage and are thinking about all the promotions and titles you are going to get in your career? Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world.” Again with this venturing to guess, and “I think” bullshit. Harrison, I trust you know what happens when you assume things. You make an ass out of you and…no wait, just you! (mostly because I’m not the one with the 4 inch-too-long beard, wearing the gaudy cheetah print tie.)
Instead of slicing this kicker up with my razor sharp wit, I have graciously decided to impart onto him some advice that was given to me at the early age of 10, “Emma, know your audience, the green bean aisle of the grocery store is not the place to sing the song you wrote about aliens eating cookies for the 1st time…” (the song was called “Chocolate Chip, Meep Morp” btw). Putting all insane takes and careless quoting's from said decertation aside, I feel this speech might have gone over better at a place not centered around providing students (and moreover, women) with an education, and ultimately propelling those same pupils into the workforce. Harrison, know your audience. These sweaty and no doubt buzzed college students do not want to hear your thoughts on women’s roles within society, they are hungover from taking their parents to their favorite local bar last night (the rents kindly picked up the tab, so over 19 rum punches were downed). Also, GD can these college students have one day where instead of being told the job market is shit, the housing market is shit, and our earth is rapidly burning; we can, for 3 and a half hours hear our peers' names be butchered then be told “The world is our oyster” and “If you can dream it, you can do it”.
Commencement speeches are horrible and cheesy, they are meant to be meaningless word soups that vaguely inspire and sedate you into believing the student loans will be worth it. Ideally a commencement address would hit these key points “Congrats on finishing!”, “College is hard, you deserve to celebrate”, “Whoohoo you did it!” and “Treasure the friends you have made here”. Or some other, more sappy variation of recognizing the value of your youth and energy and maybe throw in that this is the best it’s ever gonna get, I dunno. No more, no less.
Butker’s comments have gotten him into a bit of hot water with much of America and even the institution that has employed him for seven years, the NFL. They released a statement distancing themselves and clarifying that “Harrison Butker gave a speech in his personal capacity. His views are not those of the NFL as an organization”. Some outraged people have gone so far as to call for the removal of Harrison from his team, the Chiefs. To that I say, “Woah, woah, woah, the only thing the boy can do is aim and kick a ball, let’s allow him to keep playing his little game, no need to take the only thing he's good at away from him.
We don’t want to tell him to completely alter his career path based off an opinion that only we have, that "he should enjoy doing some other job" just because we say so. That would be absurd. And just imagine if we stood on an elevated surface while we did it, made him sit down and watch as we listed off examples, like this other guy we know who started out as a football player too, but now he’s an accountant and we like him better because of his decision to switch careers. We’d throw in a couple teary-eyed lines that we’d choke up at to appeal to the very small part of him that likes pussy shit like that (crying and emotions in general.) Can you fucking imagine if we did that? Told one guy that the thing he spent four (or more, perhaps seven?) years pursuing, working, and studying that we think people have been telling him diabolical lies, and that we know for a fact he’d be happier if he just waited to get married and devote his entire life to his future kids. That would be crazy! We would never do that, but he would, and did. #makemaleathletesdumbagain
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