By: Emma Sikes
As you may know, the Trumpster has announced a vice president. The former president took to his own app, Truth Social, created in 2022 following his being banned from major platforms because his rhetoric was “dangerous, misleading, and false.” And yet, somehow, existing on the app formerly known as Twitter are MY baseless and brutal tweets from 2013 about the Dancing With the Stars contestants, which were undoubtedly also “dangerous, misleading, and false”, and yet PrancingwiththeStars42069 tweets on.
If you, like me, are easily distracted, Twitter-less and stuck wondering “Who else did X’s CEO-Freakazoid, Elon Musk ban from his app?” Look no further, than these notable names I’m sure you’ll recognize; Majorie Taylor Greene, a major Trump stan, former Cuban President, Raul Castro, Sidney Powell, an attorney who represented Trump, Former T**** (if you say it 3 times he appears) Advisor, Steve Bannon as well as former KKK Leader, David Duke. There’s our Trumpy, always aligning himself with good company!
Speaking of Trump’s company, Truth Social was abuzz after the announcement of JD Vance as his VP pick, I would know because I unfortunately had to make an account to see just what these Truthers were truthin’. Horribly photoshopped MAGA posters, prayers, and the latest Trump slogan “Grazed and Unphased” of course referring to his recent assassination attempt, where a bullet allegedly grazed his ear.
With so many boring white guys in politics I suddenly realized, I didn’t remember this boring white guy. So without any further ado here is a profile on him to help jog your memory before we hear him speak at the RNC this Wednesday:
JD Vance is a 39 year old republican senator for Ohio, elected to office in 2022, he enjoys imposing bans on women’s bodies, not really caring “what happens to Ukraine one way or another,”, and long walks on the beach. His favorite internet slang terms are “lit, fam, and lowkey”, and, fun fact; in 2016 he tweeted “I’m a ‘Never Trump’ guy, I lowkey never liked him, fam.” but just a few short years later has transformed himself into one of Trump’s steadfast allies. On the senate floor, Vance can be seen introducing bills to withhold federal funds for colleges where there are protests against Israel's war in Gaza, and giggling with his co-workers in the chambers! He wrote a memoir that was later turned into a film (his life is a movie), it stars Amy Adams and Glenn Close. He believes that “the culture war is class war” — that “pushing back against the cultural values of progressive elites is necessary” to advance the economic and political interests of the working class. One of his culture war initiatives includes a bill criminalizing gender-affirming care, and a ban on federal mask mandates. He is also a huge fan of the #freethenipple campaign. He is a leading critic of U.S. support for Ukraine. Saying to fellow Trump crony Steve Bannon in 2022 “I got to be honest with you, I don’t really care what happens to Ukraine one way or another,”.
The more I learn about this man the more I fear the amount of youth he possesses. Immediately after the announcement, members of the Biden team were seen placing a “Seeking Witches" ad in the local paper. To cook up a De-aging potion, for the (rapidly deteriorating, it seems) POTUS. Washington is obviously hungry for young blood and some people are pretending to be satiated by this offering of shit on toast. Can't wait to get to know you more, JD! HAGS!
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