By: Emma Sikes
Are you overwhelmed by the news? Are you tired of being so behind on pop culture that actual things happening sound fake to you? (Martin Short and Meryl Streep are dating btw…) Are you ready to spit straight fiya (nuanced and thoroughly researched) facts about WTF is going on these days? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you now owe me a soda and or a solution to your humongous carbon footprint, girl. I’ll wait…and just so you know…I’m full-up on soda!
Diving right into the tantalizing goings on of the two old geezers currently running for president. Prez Biden planned to visit the US Mexico border this week, on the same day that (former Prez) DJT has already scheduled a trip there. We see you Biden, casually bumping into your crush at the function whilst looking fabulous and saying “omg I didn’t know you’d be here” when you totally did know. You're not slick, Joe. Maybe it’s time to give it up, you two just aren’t right for each other (or America). Both of you just quit. Please. Just quit. As both candidates have bolstered their campaign to two important issues; Abortion and Immigration, I will now relay a scary reality that I found through my research (I was forced to watch FOX news…). Though there officially seems to be bi-partisian agreement that there is a crisis at our border, the right relies on their demographic’s blatant dismissal of facts and or reason but #whatelseisnew I don’t know how much Republican listening you guys have done recently, but to get #serious for a moment, the inhumane and absurd claims these GOP lawmakers make about immigrants is almost farcical. The narrative they attempt to push is dangerous, from MJT (Majorie Taylor-Green) alluding that all immigrants crossing the border are violent crime committing lunatics, to their supreme leader (DJT) going so far as to compare people crossing the border to Hanibal Lecter. Republicans use a combination of fear-mongering, truth suppressing, and classic Trump coined terms like “migrant crime” to not only confuse their base but to exploit the crisis for their benefit.
Let’s move on to the Hot Button issue that is the Alabama IVF case, as both our red, blue, and white-haired goons are choosing to hone in on Abortion during their campaigns. I’ll lay out the basic info of the case and what it means for women living in Alabama and other southern states. The Alabama supreme court ruled that couples who were trying in vitro fertilization and lost frozen embryos in an accident at a south Alabama storage facility can sue under the state’s wrongful death law. This has caused a chain reaction of neighboring providers to pause fertility treatments while they sort out the “legal implications”. The ruling is one of the first of its kind (truly the end is upon us)and it extends a theory anti-abortioners championed that “embryos and fetuses should be considered children and be afforded legal protections”. Plus a super genius scientist from the Martin Luther King Jr. Professor of Law at the University of California, Davis School of Law, Mary Ziegler said “I think people in Alabama are rightly expecting that this is the tip of the iceberg though, and this ruling will lead to more down the road,”. Ladies who live in southern states ought to be shakin in their boots by this blatant disregard for the rights afforded to us and our baby carrying vessels, I mean bodies.
Moving on to some world news, the Hungarian parliament voted to approve Sweden as a new member of NATO. So no more claiming “Hey, I’m Sweden'' when your close friends are fighting, looks like you (per NATO (and Jennifer)) “have to pick a side now”. If you don’t get that joke you have been weighing in on tough decisions more than you have to. For a long time us smart folks have been invoking a topical and worldly response to get out of picking sides, now we no longer have that luxury and we’re sad about it.
Don’t fret, I am reporting on fun stuff too. Big win for people who enjoy their bubble butt with a side of baseball. The MLB had a rollout of new uniforms, specifically those classic tight white pants that were (oopsie) proven to be see-through in a spring training photo op. I am determined to find the person responsible, shake their hand, then immediately scold them for taking away the fantasy that was and is the thick layer of fabric hiding these men’s weird leg tattoos. Turns out the players (and their stupid, hot wives) were not pleased with the fabric snafu.
Spotlight on awesome and powerful women making a difference with their influence, Olivia Rodrigo announced that a portion of the proceeds from her new tour will support the National Network of Abortion Funds. Rodrigo, who is just 21 sets the example for older, larger, pop stars (Taylor Swift (yeah I said it)) on “putting her money where her mouth is”, further proving that young women must be the arbiters of their own future.
In other wacky and weird news, gay whales were recently photographed! Yes, you read that right! For the first time ever, humpback whales were photographed doing the nasty off the coast of Hawaii. It’s apparently very rare to see a humpback whale penis and scientists are psyched, well at least the ones who can get over the gay part. (Homophobic scientists DO exist) May I just say it is truly beautiful to see two male whales getting it on. (jk I think aquatic animal sex just like much of our oceans is better left undiscovered, or at least unshared with me.) Just another example of people fetishizing gay relationships. I like my porn with people in it, thank you. Though I can officially unveil the invention I’ve had on my “good ideas pls don’t steal” folder for a while now…Ocean Grindr the Deep Sea Dick Finder.
More whacko news! In Trump's first criminal trial in March, prosecutors are seeking a partial gag order to prevent mouthy former prez from disparaging witnesses, jurors and anyone else who deign to sit in that courtroom. Lawyers are implementing the age old adage “Talk shit, get hit” that is with a big fat fine, as disobeying a gag order is seen as what's known as contempt of court essentially, willfully disobeying a court order and those who've been found in contempt of court have faced detention or (big fat) fine.
I will leave you with a story of a whimsical and miraculous phenomenon, Charlotte, a stingray who dwells in a storefront aquarium in the mountains of North Carolina was recently reported to be pregnant, a commonality with rays of her age and size. The only strange part is Charlotte, like many of us, hasn't shared a tank of water with a male of her species in at least eight years. Is this some immaculate conception thing or did she finally figure out how to procreate without a guy being involved? I know Charlotte’s heart (one NC gal to the other) and I’m choosing to believe she has cracked the code and once her four stingray pups are born she will share with us (human ladies) just how she did it so that we may start the much anticipated “matriarchy” all of us yearn for.
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