By: Emma Sikes
Fox News pays their dues, Kid Rock shoots his booze, Tiny D restricts us more, Taylor Swift’s era’s tour, two shootings in one week, OTP you won’t believe, Tik Tok ban, Dance Moms stan, Frank Ocean defo hates his fans. WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE! #rhymescheme. Sorry, just fulfilling my Billy Joel fantasy. Doesn’t every little girl have a fantasy to be a large bald man from New York?! This one did! So glad you could join me for the BOOBEES Breakdown (title of article IN the article). We’re gonna break down some weird shit that’s happened recently. I’m gonna give you some straight up FACTS with some “in my humble opinions” sprinkled throughout.
Let’s start with some fun facts. On Tuesday, April 18th, Fox News agreed to pay upwards of $800 million to Dominion Voting Systems in order to avoid going to what would’ve been (in my opinion) a damn entertaining trial. This lawsuit started when Dominion sued Fox News for defamation, claiming that Fox stars, executives, and guests that appeared on the show had severely damaged DVS’s reputation. They’re of course referring to segments where hosts deny election results and claim the voting machines changed votes for DJT into votes for Biden. Essentially, most Fox hosts knew the election wasn’t stolen but knew the Fox fan base would believe those lies, so they said it anyway. Then in their not-so private group chats shit-talked their colleagues who did believe that nonsense, proving they knew what they were claiming was false. Rupert Murdoch (yes, real name) the CEO of Fox Corp. decided it was worth it to just pay for this embarrassing sitch to go away, otherwise it's possible he would’ve had to testify in court (big no no for a man whos been in power as long as he has #skeletons). Here’s the good news: Fox News’ reputation has been considerably stained and this settlement could possibly open the eyes of “Fox Fanatics” to the fact that Fox places profit above politics. And one less extremely loaded CEO is a little bit less loaded. Moving on to Kid Rock and his VERY loaded AR-15. Earlier on in the month, Bud Light collaborated with trans Tik Tok creator, Dylan Mulvaney to encourage gay people to drink beer. The real reason for the collab was to promote drinking during March Madness, but the violent response to the ad revealed just how bigoted and wasteful Bud Light enthusiasts are. Dylan was sent a customized can with her face on it and it commemorated her 365th day of “being a girl”. A few days after her Tik Tok ad was posted, a singer (that term is generous) who goes by the name of Kid Rock, posted a video to twitter that opens with him saying “Grandpa’s feeling a lil frisky today”. Unfortunately he keeps speaking, attempting to rationalize that he has set up multiple cases (4) of Bud Light and shoots at them using an assault rifle. He ends the video by saying “Fuck Bud Light and Fuck Anheuser-Busch”. The second name he bids a “fuck you” to is a huge parent company that manufactures most of the beers that rednecks drink; Budweiser, Michelob Ultra, Busch, Natural Lite just to name a few. Kid Rock also owns a bar called “Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk Rock N’ Roll Steakhouse, where he happily sells LGBTQ friendly beer, because almost every single beer company EVER has run an ad supporting the gay, trans, and beer drinking communities. You're an idiot, Kid!
Speaking of bratty children, the two frontrunners for the Republican nomination have been going back and forth in the media with new nicknames for each other. DJT has thoughtfully given Ron Desantis the hilariously catchy name “Tiny D” and he continues to live up to his namesake. Last Thursday, he quietly signed legislation that would ban most abortions after six weeks, before most women even know they’re pregnant. He’s also the “Don’t Say Gay” guy, so he’s an all around Tiny Douche in my humble opinion. Are you ready for it? T Swifty’s infamous Era’s tour, an important topic to discuss now that we know, what we know…Tay and Joe are no mo. Me and my closest Swifty’s have been pontificating and we have come to the conclusion that the awaited “break-up album” was Midnights. It ate, it reminisces, it talks back, and it mourns. Go back, have a listen through, and please stop posting the full 3 hour concert on your story!
On a more serious note, let’s talk about the two shootings that occurred on the same day, and are eerily similar. We are so desensitized to fatal shootings these days that the announcement of one isn’t even shocking to us. I was combing through the news to get more information on the Ralph Yarl case, the 16 year old boy who was shot twice after mistakenly showing up to the wrong address in Kansas City. I found another similar story that resulted in the death of a passenger whose car also pulled into the wrong driveway in upstate NY. Her name was Kaylin Gillis and she was shot in a rural area with dirt roads and didn’t make it to the hospital in time. Both assailants are now in police custody and sitting in jail where they will hopefully rot forever (my humble opinion).
Moving on to the most absurd news I’ve read all week, Timmy C and Kylie J are dating. I realize it’s not a super crazy turn of events; he’s 27 and she’s 25, and they’re both insanely famous. It just feels unnatural. Sorry, I’m a purist, the Kardashians/Jenners should be with other insane weirdos. I just have a feeling Timmy is a little more normal than her. I don’t like it and I chose to believe it’s not real. Speaking of blissful ignorance, the impending Tik Tok ban! I am perfectly ok with Tik Tok having all my information, just please don’t take away my finely crafted algorithm. Also, I feel there are definitely more pressing issues than whether or not the Chinese are spying on us through this one app. My information will not mean much to them, though I’m pretty sure the guy who was assigned to watch over is thoroughly entertained.
Moving right along to the Dance Moms bit. My household has been rewatching recently and we are plum shocked (country slang) at how manipulative Miss Abby Lee is. After each episode we’re left saying, “I hope those girls have some good therapists.” Also, to relate my current obsession to something relevant, a Dance Moms musical has emerged, it’s aptly named “The Pyramid”. I’m a combination of excited and scared to see what they come up with, do my girls proud please!
And Lastly, Frankchella, I know I may not seem like it but I am a major Frank Ocean stan. I have NEVER felt the need to attend Coachella, the crowds, the sweat, the prices- not for me. Also I’ve never been a fan of artists being late, like I realize you have a big job to do but you trapped us in this one area and expect us to just sit and wait til you decide to show up? Not ok. Before I’m bombarded by Frank sympathizers, know this, Coachella is astronomically expensive and elitist already, if he didn’t care about the performance he shouldn’t have agreed to perform. It’s like my momma always says, “if you’re gonna do something do it all the way, shit or get off the pot”. And with that I feel everything was broken down, that needed to be broken down. Let me know if I missed something YOU wanted broken down!
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