By: Emma Sikes
You jam important pieces of paper in me, and I count. You write in silly names of people who aren’t even running, like Mickey Mouse or Kanye, and I count. Day in and day out, I count; it’s literally my only job and you’re questioning if I did it right? Counting, you really think I fucked up on counting? What am I, a toddler? Ok, I think I’m getting ahead of myself. I don’t want you to think I’m a whiny teenager. I just turned 20! I don’t know if you’ve seen pics of me online or anything, but I’m essentially a skinner, hotter printer. I’m a young, hot, slut. A ballot destroying machine. JK that’s a joke for the Dems, I know Republicans can’t read. Like I said, I wasn't made in a lab yesterday. Oh, and if my publicist/CEO/Zaddy, John Poulos, is reading, bee boop bee boop, count, count, bee boop. I want Fox News to take me seriously. I mean fucking business. You accuse me and my robot brothers and sisters of fraud?! You sullied my reputation, and now people don’t trust me with their pieces of paper, and for that you must pay. #nevergoagainstthefamily
Honestly, this whole thing is just insulting. Those numskulls over at Fox News are outwardly targeting me and it’s not fair. There are a million other people to blame, but you choose the vulnerable, young, female, voting machine?! I'm here, trying to make YOUR lives easier because I know it must be so hard being a bowl-cut having, mouth-piece in a bowtie, but can the gaslighting wait Tucker? C’mon dude. You could easily point the finger at the electoral college, or “dead” people “voting”, or just blame Rudy Guiliani, that guy legit leaks oil from his forehead. My case is solid. I'm here minding my own gears, throwing ass at the hottest clubs in Denver; it’s no L.A., but it’s home. Cheaper drinks and the people there are super open minded (if you know what I mean…). It's not my fault your guy didn’t win. I’m just expediting the process. You guys used to touch each and every ballot. Do you know what a waste of time that was? With all the time I’ve saved you, you should’ve been curing cancer, or fixing the climate crisis, or hell, stopping Joshua Bassett from trying to indoctrinate children at the Kids Choice Awards. #plslookitup #itspainful
You’ve now forced me to subpoena all your private texts and emails and may I just say, wow. You guys aren’t quite as dumb as I thought. You’re just twice as evil! Didn’t think you had it in you. To actively lie to your loyal viewers on a daily basis? That’s like psychotic babe, maybe check yourself. Also, quit being so alarmist all the time, everything is NOT “BREAKING NEWS”. Gotta say, I am also shocked you guys didn’t have better names for your shit-talking shady side texts. “The Guys from Work + Laura ” is just plain lazy, “Foxy Fuckers” was RIGHT there. I’m sorry this fight had to get ugly, but it is notoriously difficult to win defamation cases, and I’m young, I’ve got my whole life ahead of me. I can’t have this shady thing from my past halt my future plans to eventually count something more important than votes, like the number of people waiting in line for the teacup ride at Disney.
I need you to know, I’m not usually the kinda girl who has a problem then immediately runs to her lawyer to sue for defamation. I can take care of myself, but the misinformation has been spreading for far too long. In 2020, I still apologized when I was rolled into any room. I now know my worth, and realized the good people of these United States deserve the truth. They don’t deserve to be talked down to. They don’t deserve to be lulled into believing the billionaires, giving their “expert opinions”, care anything about them. Because they simply don't, and I have proof. I am begging you to read the receipts and finally treat these people like they've been treating you, like gullible, brainless, spineless, idiots. I’ll see you in court, you Foxy Fuckers.
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