By: Emma Sikes
In this article I will hereby be referring to history-making former prez as DJT (Donald J. Trump), and other truncated versions of that. It feels wrong to use his last name on this safe and sacred space that is the BOOBEES Mag website. Also, the first name basis implies we’re buddies and I have an eerie feeling DJT and I wouldn’t agree on a singular topic. A key trait buddies NEED to stay buddies. He brings such a “No, I’m not drinking tonight. I’ve got my court hearing in the morning!” vibe to the function. Shut up and suck down margs with us DJ!
On Tuesday, April 4th, DJT pled not guilty to a 34 count felony indictment in
NYC (nothing against New York City, my mind is just in abbreviation mode). The indictment basically "allegedly” says that DJT falsified business records in order to hide the fact that he slept with Stormy D. Then paid her off through a "fixer" not to talk about it because he was running for president damnit! He had NO OTHER skeletons in his closet at that point and this cannot be his legacy. He made ONE mistake in 2016. By chance, do you guys remember that awesome day when news outlets released a video of DJ and former Access Hollywood host, Billy Bush, saying "And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do anything." I can't seem to remember when that was, eureka I found it! Do not worry guys, it was before he decided to run for president. It was in 2005, so we can just disregard it. Oh, I guess that negates my point from earlier about only one mistake… oh well. I know, right now you're thinking "Emma saying funky, lewd, and straight up weird comments about women ISN'T illegal.” And to you I'd say your thoughts are correct, but number 1, you're interrupting my article and I'm trying to educate the public and 2, using funky and lewd in the same sentence is strange (pls go get an unsanctioned lobotomy). Moving on, back to the important stuff YOU need to know. The person leading this historic case is Manhattan district attorney, Alvin Bragg. He himself made history as the Manhattan district attorney's office first black district attorney. Here's the reassuring part: Bragg has already helped sue the Trump (sorry!) administration "more than 100 times”. AND led a team that sued the DJT Foundation, which resulted in DJ paying $2 million to a bunch of charities and his foundation being terminated. That's right, I said terminated. CNN used the word dissolution, but that's far too snotty for me #revamp. All that to say Mr. Bragg (no nicknames here unless he wants one? lmk Al) knows what he's doing. He's dealt with Johnny before (DJ's real middle name).
Now that you know the facts of the case and I have sufficiently made fun of DJ-T (his DJ name, ya I know it's lazy but (so is he)). I can now move on to more fun things, like the fact that MTG was also there at his arraignment hearing. You know who I'm talking about; that blonde-haired, blue eyed, red-blooded, QAnon supporting, flop representing Georgia in Congress, Marjorie Taylor Greene. She was there in all her cheugy glory comparing DJT (how convenient!) to Jesus. "T**** is joining some of the most incredible people in history being arrested today… Jesus was arrested and murdered by the Roman government.” If only his ass WOULD wear a crown of thorns and disappear for 3 days. #iwish #southernbaptistknowledgeiscominout. It was also reported that shape shifter George Santos joined the crowd outside the New York courthouse, but within minutes, they were both "unbelievably swarmed". MTG’s words, not mine. It's not surprising though. Santos also claimed days earlier to be Beyonce's first gay fan. I believe the Beyhive was just taking care of business. That was a total lie but like he would so do that.
Let's just take a minute and think hypothetically. As felony charges, each count carries a maximum of four years in prison. Now, I'm no mathematician, but I am actually, CURRENTLY taking a Math 100 class and my professor could tell you with NO uncertainty that I am indeed NO mathematician. So bear with me while I figure out this critical thinking equation. FUCK! I told my professor there was no way in hell I'd ever come across one of these in my real life! ANYWAY, DJT is 76 (according to Wikipedia). Look, I realize Wiki isn't exactly a reliable source, but I just can't type his real name into my search bar anymore so we're going with 76. If he’s 76, and there's 34 felony counts that each carry a maximum sentence of 4 years. How old would he be when he got out (if on every count he serves the max sentence)? This one is multiple choice, is it A) He’s innocent. This is a witch hunt. B) 69 or C) (and we know the answer is always) 212 or D) I hope he dies in there. I’m choosing C, Two Hundred Twelve. Will hold for fact-check. She has chosen correctly, I now dub her a mathematician. Ha! Take that current Math professor! Suck it Math! I did you, Correctly! Thanks SchoolHouse Rock! #sponsoredarticle #SchoolHouseDOESrock
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