10 things Kevin McCarthy definitely agreed to in order to get elected as Speaker of the House.

By: Emma Sikes

1. To be tortured: frat boy style. You know, fun things like carrying a basketball with you at all times, or the old standby-goldfish in the mouth. Or prove his loyalty to the GOP by being the non-budgers errand boy, fetching Marjorie Taylor Green cigarettes at ungodly hours or picking up Matt Gates from the Georgetown dorm where he spent the night. Or even cleaning Lauren Bobert’s gun, whilst listening to her practice phrases like “pronoun-shmonoun”, and “I plead the fifth!” in a mirror. If it works on college age alpha males, it’s sure to whip Kevin into submission too. #pilamforever

2. Honestly to just journal it out. Listen, being rejected by your own party FIFTEEN times can really take its toll on a person. It can even lead to one’s own delusion. For example, in Kevin’s victory speech, he gives thanks to the Trumpster for his strong influence and support from the beginning. That’s like me thanking the light tampon in my otherwise empty box for being there for me on the first day of my period. You’re not helping ONLY hurting, queen! #givemesuperorgivemedeath #NowThatsaRedWave

3. To tweet on a daily basis. Honestly just being on the app is embarrassing enough, but tweeting? Whole new level of loser. Elon’s takeover sullied the grunge and absolute bat-shit aspects that we all loved about Twitter. Now, it just feels like a billionaire owns a social media network.

4. To post regularly on TikTok.. It’s for his own good. Everybody needs a social media presence, even no good, non-backboned having slime balls. Don’t worry Kevin, the username _only15 IS available and waiting for you.

5. To read their bible cover to cover (watch The Apprentice). The non-budgers value their NFT King’s TV debut over the word of anything “holy”.

6. To take a motherfucking chill pill. This one needs no explanation. If you’ve seen him, you know.

7. To use a different gavel, one that has a squeaky toy sewn in, so that whenever he attempts to order the very rowdy congresspeople, the sound the gavel makes will be an embarrassingly small squeak. This punishment specifically is because of his very public threat about how hard it will be NOT to hit Nancy Pelosi, once he is handed the gavel. Even the non-budgers know and respect that we don’t threaten Nancy, she’s a legendary legislator, no-nonsense negotiating trailblazer, BITCH!

8. To re-watch (hopefully) Dirty Dancing. It’s many people’s (my) comfort movie and quite frankly, I don’t know a single soul who doesn’t get tingly inside and out while watching it. It’s also a not-so subtle reminder that abortions need to be legal and accessible! Or else Barbie bodied blondes like Penny couldn’t DANCE. She just wants to DANCE, and dear God, she's not smart enough to do much more. LET HER DANCE.

9. To keep doing his hair like that. Honestly, it's really working for some of us (me). He’s a mildly attractive Republican man, and let’s face it: we haven’t seen one of those in a long time. You know who is a stunner though? His wife Judy. She is rocking that pixie cut like it’s her job and she’s the CEO, ok?

10. To allow himself to be removed as speaker, by only one member of congress who isn’t satisfied, instead of requiring a majority of either party. That one’s real. No joke, the unsatisfied member would call for a “motion to vacate”, which forces a vote on removing the speaker. That would need only a simple majority of the House to pass to oust McCarthy. Now, in my humble, barely educated opinion, I think it’s totally possible someone will motion to vacate, but I think before that happens Kevin will make a few more deals to further weaken and embarrass the position of speaker. #followinginthequeensfootsteps #sloppy2nds