By: Sophie Centazzo
In my 21 years, one thing has hindered my life more than anything else; hyperhidrosis. If you aren’t familiar, this condition causes excessive sweating. For me, when I say excessive, I mean whenever I simply walk outside my door on a hot day, my upper lip IMMEDIATELY starts to sweat. And you might ask, “Sophie, why would you choose to go to school in Savannah, one of the most humid cities in the U.S.?” The real answer: I have no fucking idea. The south is known for three things; christians, conservatives, and crazy hot weather. And this Jew with a sweating disorder has something to say about it.
Hyperhidrosis affects about 1% of the U.S. population, so finally saying I’m a part of the 1% is pretty cool. Maybe now tax cuts will apply to me, unlike the rich, I could actually benefit from them.#taxtherich To get into this exclusive club, you’re going to have to fill a couple of qualifications. First off, the obvious one, you need to sweat a disgusting amount. And I don’t mean when you finish a workout and purposely break a sweat. I’m talking about when you’re walking down the street on a 65 degree day and you’re drenched after a ten minute walk. God gives her hardest battles to her strongest soldiers, so I guess I should be honored about the embarrassingly giant sweat stain on my back. Next, you’ll have to convince people you have this condition. My parents blame it on the fact that I’m lazy and out of shape. While these facts are true, that doesn’t dismiss the fact that my sweating is out of control. Side note: they said the same thing when I told them I thought I had ADHD, so I went through my whole schooling without a diagnosis. GUESS WHO HAS FUCKING ADHD MOM?? Shoutout to Jolie though, you a queen <3. And finally, you’ll need to know how to manage your sweating. My love for sweatshirts grossly outweighs my need not to be dry, and there in lies the solution to my problem. But I will continue to consistently put myself in the situation for maximum sweatage. So, my cold Chicago blood has to boil inside a hoodie on a hot day to cover those pesky stains. The solution would just be to take off the hoodie, but my pride has already been hurt enough.
I hope this gave you lovely people a little peek into what it’s like being a sweaty monster in the south. If you’d like to start a GoFundMe so I can get steroid shots all over my body, it would be greatly appreciated :).
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