By: Maggie Grazioso
We’ve all seen those “Am I Gay?” quizzes brought to you by Buzzfeed, Playbuzz, or from some janky link on Reddit. But believe it or not, there is a subcategory of these queer-coded quizzes. And if you are a queer or fem woman, I guarantee you know what I’m about to talk about. Picture this: Junior year of high school. You just finished reading the smuttiest chapter of a Bubbline (Marceline and Princess Bubblegum) fanfiction you’ve ever seen, pondering your sexuality (thanks to the amazing descriptive words used by the author who’s probably in your 9th grade math class) . And obviously this leads to hours and hours of scrolling on Tumblr, under the #wlw tag. So. after all of that. You keep thinking: Surely, all straight girls spend their nights like this? Wrong. Because what followed that, was the discovery of: The Lesbian Masterdoc.
The Lesbian Master Doc is 30 pages of content, all about lesbianism, and figuring out if that’s something you identify with. But it’s not your average queer quiz. This shit breaks down every single worry that’s in a questioning teen's little brain. A closeted lesbian’s first bit of confusion starts with the same statement: I’m in love with so many fictional men. How could I be a lesbian? This is probably targeted at you, the link is down below. And that is one of the first sections listed in the table of contents. This is what undid the secure jail-cell-lock that kept me trapped in the closet for seventeen long, confusing years.You think you’re in love with David Tennant and Taika Waititi, Maggie? Wrong. You just think Crowley and Blackbeard are hot, and would love to see a woman wear those outfits. Ever heard of “girl crushes?” coined by the straight women community? Those exist for lesbians. They are called “man crushes.” A man crush is basically a certain man, that lesbians and straight men can all agree, if we were of a different sexual orientation- we would totally smash. Just as straight girls can appreciate a beautiful woman, we can appreciate a sexy man.
Something more serious, but truly relatable, that is discussed is compulsory heterosexuality. The doc makes a carefully curated list of bullet points of experiences young lesbians go through, that are examples of compulsory heterosexuality. The one that stuck out to me and my other lesbo friends was “deciding which guys to be attracted to.” Honest to god, shoutout to all the men I used in middle school and high school. You guys came in CLUTCH when my friends would be talking about all the sticky boys they had crushes on and I had to pick someone off the top of my damn head. All three of you will forever be in my heart. It’s easier to tell that my feelings for them were a lie though. Why? You might ask? Well, there was one boy I “liked,” for about 5 years. Never once did anything about it. I remember we were supposed to go to the movies together, and my therapist was like “He might kiss you! Or put his arm around you!” And a siren went off in my head. That's when I thought: Alright. This is getting too real. It’s time to cut the shit. That is quite literally. The very last thing I want.
Anyways, if you’re a late bloomer, and questioning your sexuality, do what all the other gay 16 year old girls did. Check out the Lesbian Masterdoc. I’m looking into getting in touch with the creator of it, and buying her a stiff drink. She helped me more than I can even say.She allowed me to be the sassy and slay sapphic I am today. Shout out to all the straight men who I involuntarily bearded, and to all the fanfiction writers on Archive of Our Own who are still getting through my life day to day.
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