By: Ally Chance
Jingle Balls Rock? Saving Myself for Santa? HOE HOE HOE?
Let’s face it, the Winter Holiday season is arguably the horniest time of the year. All us women know that November through February is inexplicably labeled as cuffing season; so what is it about this “giving season" (pun very much intended) that sounds like the loudest mating call I’ve ever heard in my life? Here’s some aspects of the “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” that truly highlight what “the hap-happiest season of all” is all about : chilly weather, exchanging gifts, spending quality time with family, and of course those specific holiday traditions based on what you celebrate. Now I’ll explain why these activities may seem better to do as a couple, and then promptly after that I’ll quickly dispel all those silly archaic misnomers by explaining why you should be single this Holiday season, a little angel/devil action for you!
Number one on the naughty list is cold weather. I think it is a biological human instinct to seek warmth when it starts to get cold outside. As a woman, the cold atmosphere does something to me, physically. Those rock hard nipples come out to play as soon as we drop below 60 degrees. Some people may find that inappropriate, scandalous if you will, at times, even embarrassing. I mean it sure does draw attention, you can't even hold a conversation in the wintertime when the men are making direct eye contact with your nipples. And to answer your question, no sir, I’m not horny for you, IT’S JUST COLD? However, from an outsider perspective, walking into that hometown bar, taking off your coat, and displaying your nipples for all to see is a bad bitch move. Next time you catch a man with both eyes on your chest I’d suggest taunting him, even straight up telling him that your nipple erection has nothing to do with him. On another note, nothing sounds better than snuggling up with that special someone under a big, warm blanket during those winter days, but I’m here to tell you exactly why you don’t actually need that. Let’s be real guys, we live in the year 2023 and we have lots of heating devices these days. Heated blanket, space heater, foot warmer, you name it and Amazon has it in stock, delivery available the next day. Get all nice and toasty and don’t fight over a blanket with someone, you’ll just end up more cold and frustrated than you were before.
Number two, exchanging gifts, buying a gift for a significant other sounds great in theory, however, I argue that this actually adds even more stress to the hellscape that already is the holiday season. Giving that special gift to someone and receiving one back only looks good in the movies. In reality you will spend weeks pulling your hair out trying to find the perfect gift for them, nailing the price point, and finally seeing their stupid face while they open it (you are totally the better gift giver) not only that but you don’t have to worry about gifts for your significant other’s family, me and my ex once spent 30 minutes in Sephora arguing over what to get his mom. Spoiler alert it ended up being a Jo Malone candle, very nice and practical, I even knew what scent she loves, but he just wouldn’t take my word for it. We left the store empty handed and I was disinvited from the Christmas party.
Speaking of family, nothing screams Holiday cheer like those good old fashioned family get togethers. Now, if you are at these events single you will inevitably get harassed by family members. They will ask you questions about your relationship status, and the dreaded young single female question “Don’t you wanna have kids someday?” whilst surrounded by other happily unbothered couples. #nofair This alone can drive you to a breaking point, when Great Aunt Glenda is asking if you’re soon to be engaged it’s tempting to go hire a stand-in fiancé for the night. Although braving this storm alone is hard, ask yourself if you really want to introduce that special someone to the array of crazy family members ready to bombard a new person with questions that are way too intimate for anybody, no matter how long you’ve been dating. Not only will you stress them out, but you will stress yourself out wondering what everybody thinks about your chosen date. Tell your Great Aunt Glenda this isn’t the 1960s and not everyone is married at 18.
Depending on what Holiday you choose to celebrate, you may have other activities you participate in. For me, that’s decorating cookies, building gingerbread houses, wearing matching pajamas, trimming the tree, admiring the lights, etc. I know what you’re thinking “Does having someone to accompany you during all of that sound nice?” Sure! But what’s crazy is you can enjoy all of those things independently, with friends, and with family. Even though horribly produced Hallmark movies try to encourage us to be in love during this time, who’s to say we can’t be in love with ourselves? This holiday season I’ll make the best gingerbread house known to man, and my gingerbread woman will live there alone, because she CAN!
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