By: Tess Mervenne
I’ve never been the kind of girl that likes girly things. Internalized misogyny has had a chokehold on me since I was little. I grew up playing baseball with the boys, until I was 11 years old and realized that I didn’t know how to explain to them why I didn’t need a cup without explicitly saying “I don’t have a penis.” My favorite hobbies as a child included Mario Super Sluggers on the Wii, waging war on my classmates so I could wrestle them to the ground at recess, and, of course, playing with my Dora the Explorer Dollhouse. Except I thought Dora was a loud-mouthed loser with a bad haircut, so I would usually have Diego come and take over the house with Baby Jaguar and his whole jungle crew. I only ever played as a blue character in the Game of Life, I didn’t start wearing my hair up until I was in middle school, and I still, to this day, have not seen the Barbie movies. Needless to say, I grew up believing that girls and girly things were dumb.
On top of being a scrappy little tomboy, I was also a theatre kid (and I wondered why I struggled with making friends?! LOL). My time in community theatre only reinforced these ideas that it was more fun to be a boy. I was cast as an Oompa Loompa instead of Veruca Salt, as a clumsy Seagull instead of as a Mersister, and then as an Oompa Loompa again…and another time after that (the Oompa Loompas were a very formative part of my childhood.) But eventually, I started getting lead roles!! In middle school, I thought I’d reached my peak when I played Timon in The Lion King, but NO. I got the honor of playing Pepito, the little Hispanic boy in Madeline the Musical in a community theatre production that toured the Southeast Michigan area. During that tour, I was mistaken for a boy so many times that I just started to respond naturally when called “sir.” I even got to skip a day of school to be interviewed on the local news about what it’s like being a girl that plays boys on stage. #childstar
By this time, I’d reached an age where I found boys to be incredibly annoying. I had developed some strong female friendships and realized that girls could be cool too (who knew, right?!). I finally started to appreciate my girlhood as I entered high school, which was great timing, as it was an All Girls Catholic High School…dun Dun DUUUNNN! Just kidding. It wasn’t too bad. However, I didn’t just leave my tomboy-ish ways behind me. I joined the softball team, I brought my lunch in a brown paper bag (because lunch boxes were too girly apparently), and I didn’t even bother learning how to do my makeup, but that was the norm at a school where all your classmates were girls. In terms of theatre roles, let’s just say my high school theatre didn’t allow me to play a role unless it involved painting a beard on my pimple-ridden face for the first year and a half.
However, I had started to experiment with things like leggings, mascara, and manicures, and I even wore… a bikini. I know. Groundbreaking stuff. Then, one day, this bitch in my gym class told me that I was going to make a great Flounder to her Ariel in The Little Mermaid, and I took that as a personal challenge. I had #BOOBEES now! I could play the princess if I wanted to! AND I DID!
It was like, overnight, I had to learn how to embrace my femininity in a whole new way. I was wearing loads of sequins, and dresses upon dresses, and false lashes and character shoes, and I even had my first kiss…on stage…in front of my mom :-).
I felt like a fish out of water, (I’m so sorry, I couldn’t resist.) but at the same time, I felt like I was discovering this part of myself that I had been shoving down (the way Diego would shove Dora out of her own Dollhouse). Maybe I didn’t like dresses because I had never twirled in a long, flowy one. Maybe I didn’t like makeup because I simply didn’t know how to do anything with it other than cakey foundation and fake beards. Maybe the reason I didn’t think that I could be super girly was because I had never even given it a chance.
I’m now 21. Within the last year, I bought my very first lacy bralette, I discovered that I love wearing sundresses, and I FINALLY learned how to curl my own hair. OH and I let my hairdresser give me LAYERS!!! That was so scary. Major trust fall moment. I’m still learning to embrace my femininity in new ways every day, even if it’s scary. I’m constantly searching for the things that make me feel pretty and confident, because I feel like I’m still figuring out how to be comfortable in my own skin, but let me tell you, I’m more confident now than that Little Ass-Whooping Oompa Loompa Kid ever was, even if she was a boss at Mario Super Sluggers.
The older I get, the more I realize…guys are so gross. I’m so grateful to be a woman and I’m loving this journey I’m on. Who knows, maybe I’ll even voluntarily wear pink one of these days!?!
Just kidding. That color is still not allowed in my closet. But we’re getting there. Day by day.
GIRL POWER!