By: Raymie Hendry
If you haven’t already picked a favorite coping mechanism, one conversation with Conspiracy Theorist Uncle and Multi-Level Marketing Aunt this holiday season is going to help you find it. Like a Buzzfeed quiz for small town queer people.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “What am I supposed to do for the obligatory Living Room Hour of family holiday parties before retreating to my room to eat Saltines and rewatch the holiday episodes of Community?” That’s where I come in. Here’s some tips for interacting with those relatives that use Bitmojis in the least appropriate situations, post screenshots of screenshots of Facebook memes, or who think sitting their kid down in front of “Skibidi Toilet” for 3 hours is parenting.
Talking Politics
It’s smart to get the current events talk out of the way early. After all, there’s only so many times you can explain to someone that maybe not every socio-political event is a “gray area”. But hey, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from their interior design, it’s that millennials love their gray.
If you’re not looking for a good old screaming match with someone who has only ever read the free preview of a news article, it’s best to keep things light. If you’re farther into a political issue than a cute-core infographic or an activist with the character limit of a TikTok comment section would go, I can’t help you anymore. But I wish you luck, soldier.
Curating a Vibe
Setting the mood is important. Your older relative probably doesn’t want to hear your coquette-Lana-del-Rey-vinyl-Coca-Cola-cigarette-ribbon-bow holiday decor ideas. I do though, please be my friend and also what is your Pinterest username. Please.
My point is that most of your family is probably hoping for a pretty traditional celebration. Your cousin Kimberly is happy to be living in the golden age of Hallmark movies, and your grandmother is looking forward to every ornament on the tree being, in some way, shape, or form, the handprint of a five-year-old you. Though a lot of it’s tacky and commercialized, it’s “classic”, and it keeps everyone else happy. And who am I writing this for if not all the textbook people-pleasers out there?
Music is an important part of this season, too. You’ve got your holiday hits, your classic carols, and– put down– you. Yes, you. Put down the Phoebe Bridgers Christmas music. I know. I know, honey, you’ll get it back when you’ve proven you can handle the responsibility. Now go listen to Michael Buble. (Disclaimer: I tried this and my Amazon Alexa asked if she should notify the authorities. Tread with caution.)
Casual Conversation (The Worst Interrogation You’ll Ever Face)
You’ve walked on eggshells and made it this far when suddenly you find yourself in the Q&A portion of the night. Be ready to explain how school is without making everyone wonder if you’ll be asking for money in three short years. From personal experience, none of your relatives will understand the phrases, “Equestrian major narcotics scandal”, “Yik Yak misinformation”, or “Sketch Comedy Discord Server”.
This part of the night can also come with some really thoughtful compliments! My family loves to tell me how artsy (trans-masc) I am, how unique (queer) my outfits are, and how funny (probably mentally ill) I am. And isn’t that just the sweetest.
Make sure to save some laughs for the “comedian of the family” (a 30-something white guy with nothing else going for him). And he’s got quite a few insightful questions for you this year like: “Where’s the rest of that shirt?” and “How do they get all that milk out of a single oat?” He’s doing his best. He’s had a hard year, especially considering that that woman on the street he told to smile more was “just so disagreeable”.
If you need conversation topics to keep the attention off of your career and literally anything else about you, my grandfather has gotten really invested in the whole Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce thing. Totally serious. I think he likes the whole “cheer captain/football player vibe” they give off (although real ones know Taylor’s on the bleachers).
For the “Day In My Life” Posters…
Another thing you have to expect about these holiday parties is that this is not going to be the place you get your cute pictures. I know social media isn’t real because I haven’t seen one winter break photodump with an inexplicably sticky-handed five-year-old in the background of six out of ten pictures. And that’s fine, but realistically, that kid will be everywhere. And he will want to know if you have games on your phone.
In all seriousness, parties like these are probably really important to your family. And although we can make fun of the ones who couldn’t tell you what a “half-swipe” is to save their lives, everything we know about technology and trends now will probably be obsolete in a matter of years. And as long as the people in our lives are developing their views and trying to take an interest in the little things we love, that’s something to be valued.
And once it’s all over, there’s still Saltines and Community holiday episodes.
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