My Crush Is Cheating On Me!

By: Emma Sikes

Having a crush is exhilarating. It's what lulls me to bed at night and what helps me to hop out of bed in the morning. It’s a fun little secret you share amongst your baes. You giggle like middle school girls and you fantasize about your wedding and the dog you’ll rescue together. It’ll be a spring wedding, and our dog Earl will be astronomically fat with the droopiest ears you’ve ever seen. We’ll have a quaint little home in New Jersey, just a train ride away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Violently thinking about crush pre-bed ensures they will be in your dream, securing your crushdom for months to come. It brings me copious amounts of joy to invent scenarios where me and said crush will not only have a fulfilling college relationship, but obviously go on to date forever (never marriage). The more people you tell about your crush, the more fun it is, but the people you decide to tell are important. I mistakenly told my mother about said crush, and she implied that I should make a move on him. Absolutely not. That would quite frankly ruin the entire aspect of this crush. A looming, soul-crushing amount of “like” for one single person. The whole point of a crush is that you never plan to act on your urges; it’s purely a mental device that proves your libido is still at normal levels (mine is).

So, I’m walking around with this new found confidence. I have a crush and SOME people know it. I wear it as a badge of honor. I am so privileged that my picky ass has chosen to fall in “like” with a person who isn’t a celebrity. A modern-day miracle, my girlhood is restored! Having a crush makes me feel exponentially younger in the best way; girlish rather than MOTHER (my resting state). I suddenly feel like skipping around, picking wildflowers, and giggling at abnormally small dogs in sweaters on the street. Crushes provide me with, I think that's…happiness?! I know what you’re thinking, is our comedy MOTHER mentally ill? “I thought that was her whole schtick; insanely mentally stable, a rock amongst the treacherous waters of the modern art school student”. And to that I say, no, I do not believe I am mentally ill. I DO believe that the constant changing of temperatures (climate crisis HELLO) replaces regular Emma with a recluse that convinces herself everyone sucks and she’s dying (Please bring back the sunshine).

My crush is currently skating on thin ice because he is actively cheating on me right in front of my face (the nerve?!). How dare he?? Earl and I are shivering in this Savannah cold front. He knows I don’t have a real jacket. It’s one of the things we (cutely) argue about. He knows my tendency to run cold, and yet he betrays our sacred pact to date forever. What does he expect me to do, WATCH in silence while he crushes on someone else? Well that’s exactly what’s gonna happen, but know that I expected so much better. It certainly doesn’t change how I feel, or tonight's scheduled dream about our ongoing journey, but know that a handful of baes hate you FOR me. Not me though, WE’RE all good, anytime you wanna come back to momma is fine by me.