How not to shit your pants in public.

By: Sophie Centazzo

(May or may not be based on a true story)

You’re sitting in your 11am class and decide to only ingest Lexapro and iced coffee for breakfast that morning. Everything is going smoothly; you pitch a fantastic idea for an ad campaign about travel posters and BAM! You’re hit with the sweats, stomach cramps, and the impending doom that you might not make it to the toilet in time. Your teacher is making the last five minutes of class feel like a lifetime and your symptoms are like those Burger King commercials; leaving you close to death and as hopeless as the writers of that God-awful song. #ChickenChickenChickenChicken. As you sprint out the door to your car, you think to yourself, “Is this really happening to me?” You have to decide what your next move is because you can’t grip the bottom of your chair forever. Here are the five steps on how to not shit yourself in public.

1. Don’t be afraid to use a public restroom.

The use of public bathrooms for #2’s can cause many of us stress. The threat of the other users hearing what going on down south can be daunting and make things harder for you when you’re actually having a shit attack. Don’t fret. Most people have probably been in your exact same position and won’t judge you for bombing the bowl. So, in the future, know that the public bathroom is a friend, not a foe.

2. Avoid traffic at all costs.

Getting stuck in mid-day traffic during an event like this can be your worst nightmare. The construction workers don’t care about the fact that you’re about to spray the inside of your jeans. Neither does that car that decided to stop and talk to a friend on the side of the road for 30 seconds. If the universe does place this situation in your reality, just take a breath and keep clenching.

3. Always depend on The Alida hotel bathroom.

You feel as if you’re out of options and you need a bathroom NOW. The best public bathroom in the city of Savannah is in the lobby of the Alida hotel. Each stall is very private and very soundproof, so you can release in peace. There’s no check out time on the bathroom stalls, so you can stay as long as you like. Plus, the soap smells really nice.

4. Make sure to eat a nutritious meal.

Eating after the traumatic event you just had is crucial for your stomach to get back on track. McDonald’s chicken nuggets are my personal choice because they are quick, easy, and delicious. Obviously, this isn't the healthiest choice in the world, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Your completely empty stomach isn’t going to be that picky.

5. Have Pepto Ultra on hand.

Your stomach is pretty sore after the war you just fought to keep your underwear clean, so it’s time for a little relief. Regular Pepto isn’t going to be quite enough to put your intestines back together, so go for Pepto Ultra. It’ll do the job in minutes and help you get on with the rest of your day.

With these five tips, you'll be better prepared for when that turtle head is trying to swim out to sea. I’m not admitting this happened to me personally, but if you need a Pepto Ultra, I’m your gal.