by: Zaza Acosta
I have an addictive personality. Not in the way of drugs or alcohol, but hyper-fixations on certain media. During the wonderfully boring time of COVID, I stumbled upon a little franchise known as “Star Wars”. I watched the movies in chronological order, going from episode IV up until I was able to watch “Rise of Skywalker '' in theaters. That’s when it all started, my hyper-fixation on the most gorgeous, pussy pulsating, panty wetting man I’ve ever laid eyes on, Kylo Ren. The second he took off that helmet, my entire world came to a crashing halt. This man was IT, the long dark hair, the massive nose, those elongated fish lips, it was all perfection. I absorbed every source of Adam Driver media I could. Like, I’ve watched almost every single movie and even endured four painstaking seasons of Lena Dunham waltzing around naked just to see glimpses of that man shirtless. I own many Funko Pops of him and even a pillow with his face on it. To say I was/am obsessed is an understatement. It wasn’t just his glorious face either, I would look into interviews of that man and get to know his personality to a T. After 9/11, Adam made the sexy decision to get super ripped and gain those military benefits by joining the Marines. Thankfully, he left the Marines so that ripped physique could be shirtless, riding a horse while soaking wet for a future Burberry ad for all the world to see. The king made it into Juilliard and at his time there he would run across Manhattan every single day to class with a rotisserie chicken (that’s 100% true, I read it in a diary I found while going through all of his childhood belongings and slipped it into my bag) talk about getting that protein in. I mean I can’t even run without crying let alone holding a goddamn chicken. Now being the Oscar nominated actor he is, he has created a non-profit that involves actors as well as himself performing for those serving our country. Adam is a pretty stand-up guy if you ask me. Not only hot but a good person? Ugh tickle me pink. Now, being the ravenous rat I was, I even read fanfiction about him, specifically about Kylo Ren shoving a lightsaber hilt up my… actually never mind. I would fall asleep to pictures of him on my phone and wake up to him as my screensaver. I spent months with this obsession, he was all I ever thought about and I’d even call him my husband. So much so that people would associate him with me, it's as if we were dating… I mean engaged with a baby on the way, sorry Adam! Fast forward to freshman year of college and I started seeing this one guy I knew from high school. To my surprise he grew out of his ugly phase and was starting to look quite familiar, long dark hair, massive nose, elongated fish lips, I think you can see where this is going. This man was a spitting image of Adam Driver, I mean seriously they couldn’t have looked more alike. The only thing that was missing were those rock hard abs and enormous stature. Other than that it seemed like my fantasies of mounting that enormous oak tree of a man just to get a taste of his sweet apples were somewhat becoming a reality. Not only that, but this guy was different, he wasn’t your typical douche. He was incredibly kind and thoughtful, moving mountains for me when I didn’t even ask. Well, as nice as he was, I turned him down… multiple times, but that didn’t stop him. He kept perusing and perusing until I finally caved. Listen, the only reason I declined was because I was in an imaginary relationship with the real Adam Driver and it was very serious. But after finally giving in, I couldn’t have been more happy with the closest thing I could find to Adam Driver. Me and his doppelgänger have now been together for almost two years and I couldn’t be more in love. Now as nice of a story this is, for those wondering, yes I do still have Adam Driver as my screensaver.
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