By: Emma Sikes
A valid question because we all have them, don’t lie. Doesn’t mean we snuggle with them every night, but just knowing your stuffed animal is there brings a certain inner peace. But, when someone’s getting all up in YOUR piece, their presence can be… distracting.
I don’t know about you, but my Ookie gets a SUPER judgmental look in her eye when the clothes start to come off. Like, literally be happy for me in my sexual endeavors! It’s not like you're getting any. One of us needs to get some serotonin released in my 100% haunted, dank, and dark Savannah bedroom. When getting thrown off the bed in the heat of the moment, she always seems to land standing up and facing my general direction. Since she’s an OG, I always feel bad and equate the situation to elder abuse. I forget all about her, purely because the way I have sex takes intense concentration (I have lots of good reviews), but the short, but vital, post-boink cuddle feels wrong without her. An introduction is not easy, but it is necessary. You can’t just start sniffing a ratty piece of pink cloth and expect your sex partner NOT to say anything. Once I even offered a boy the opportunity to hold Ookie. Big mistake. He fell in love instantly and wanted to draft a custody agreement. I obviously denied, as I am the product of a single mother and I’d like to continue her impressive legacy. I once attempted to exclude Ookie from all parts of my no-pants party, but I was distracted the entire time and the sex was subpar at best.
In conclusion, and in my professional and thoroughly researched opinion, you must include your stuffed animal in your sexcapades. I will not specify which parts, that feels like a you decision. I will leave you with this intense imagery to solidify my argument. Imagine you’re my gentleman caller (lucky you), and we are in the depths of exchanging juices. #religiouscondomuser #safesexisfunsex I’m performing my signature move “The Can-Opener” and I’m interrupted by a voice exclaiming “Uh, hold on. I think your Pookie is stuck in my butt.” I quickly rectified the situation, correcting him of her name, because she deserves to be recognized. He threw her across the room and she landed in her classic fashion; her head facing directly at the action. But, she looked away when it really mattered, and that’s why she will always be my Ookie.
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