By: Emma Sikes
Are burps and farts gross or do they just make us girls less fuckable? I’m gonna be honest, when I’m at home, I’m letting it rip. A lil burp here, a little fart there. What’s the harm? It's healthy, what’s a little release of gas between family (and roommates). Especially when they are harmless i.e. not smelly or loud (silent and aromaless). Now in public is a different story, you’ve gotta be sneaky with it. Getting caught is unacceptable; it’s a reflection on every single girl who’s ever existed. We were counting on you to keep our secret safe.
Am I saying that burping and farting is an integral part of girlhood? That you haven’t truly become a woman until as you’re taking out your diva cup in the Sheetz bathroom and waddling to the public sink to wash her out real quick you let out a phantom toot? No, I am not saying that, I am not gatekeeping the moment you ascend into womanhood, it’s different for everyone. But don’t let it be some frilly moment where you put on a dress and spin in a meadow and giggle for no reason. That’s demeaning to us REAL girls, who know being a woman has frilly flashes but long never-ending montagues of pure chaotic vilehood. For example, that historic day in the Sheetz was probably me at my most vulnerable, I didn’t WANT to reveal to the 3 other women waiting in line to pee that I was housing a VERY-full Diva cup. (Although when I look back it is a huge sustainability plus for me). But, I did reveal that, and a little more (the fart). They all saw the look in my eyes, they recognized that this was my ascension and in that moment I like to think we formed a metaphorical lady hug where we all stand on top of the globe holding hands. In reality I laughed (very loudly) and said “no, yeah, slay” the other woman pissing then guffawed and I felt alright to go on with my business. Now does that particular situation make me seem any more or less fuckable, I’m unsure because I find it insanely attractive to watch people be “in their element” and what is my element if not pants down making bitches laugh.
I will now tackle burping and farting as it applies to a relationship. As you may or may not know, I am not currently in (or have ever been in ) a serious relationship. But the way I carry myself somehow lends itself to people asking me for advice, I am by no means saying it is sound advice but here it is. I think you should hide the fact that our woman bodies can make the obscene sounds and smells that they do. I think it’s a fun superpower that we should keep concealed until your partner is truly in death do us part love. Until they feel they would die without you, should you open the bathroom door mid-poop and ask for more TP, or burp in their face and tell them to shout a color and stick their hand on their head (fun game you must start playing with your friends, if you want the rules pls comment below). For the good of womankind I am asking you to keep up the strong, unflappable, resilience we have cultivated as our exterior for the past (maybe ever since Miley started freeing the nipple I dunno when did the renaissance of women start!?) 100 years. I’m not saying change for your person, I’m just saying save your fart and burp games for your friends, that’s what they’re there for. And if you’re not making time for your friends when you’re coupled up your karma will be a running out of TP, poop on the walls filled disaster. That’s just my two cents.
So I guess what I’m saying is, breaking the glass ceiling is tough and we can’t do it in one fell swoop. This article is definitely not gonna do it and every action we take as women doesn’t have to be a reflection of every single woman ever. So feel free to let one (or two) rip; when you’re alone, or amongst 3 strange ladies in a Sheetz bathroom. Either way, go forth and FUCK the patriarchy! Toot on babes!
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