By: Sadie Prenda
My name is Sadie and everyday I wake up at 9 am. I throw on my effortlessly fashionable outfits that are baggy but still show a little something, something. I put on makeup to look as if I’m not wearing makeup and then I throw my lucious brown hair into a messy bun. I’m not like other girls, I’m a chill girl. I’m a feminist but not enough to make men uncomfortable. This all makes me chill as fuck.
When I was in high school I was suddenly self aware. I mean I’ve been consciously aware of how my actions affect others since birth #womanhood, but now I was self aware of how boys perceived me. Suddenly I realized that my Adventure time shirt and overalls aren't exactly what 15 year old boys in Lincoln, Nebraska find cute. Also, shockingly enough, being really smart, a star speech and debate student, AND being president of the thespian club is not super chill either. Being smart is NOT chill.
So I decided to become a chill girl. Not to be confused with a pick me girl. Unlike pick me’s I directed my misogyny to myself. I suppressed my thoughts and opinions (there are a lot so it was hard) and suppressed any sign of my interests to others. I laughed at all the jokes, never spoke my mind, and wore leggings and a sweatshirt everyday to make sure people knew I didn’t care. I would listen to showtunes on the way to school and then change it to Drake before I pulled into the parking lot. I literally bought one strip of those annoying (but chill) LED lights everyone had. I put them in one corner of my room so I could snapchat people in that corner to create the illusion that I had a chill room. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I joined the fucking cheerleading team. I told everyone it was because I wanted to expand my horizons but really I was just trying to wear little skirts (I’m cringing at myself writing this).
Then during senior year, I took a Women's Literature class. Reading all these amazing books from women that I admired, taught by a woman I admired. I mean there was A Room of One’s Own, Milk and Honey, the list was stacked. A safe space, finally! Until…HE walked in. The cutest boy in school had signed up for this class. He was a star athlete and over 6 feet tall (my standards were in hell back then). I probably looked constipated in that class everyday trying so hard to censor myself from going off about books and the patriarchy because I wanted him to know, I was chill! I have no gag reflex and will never call you out on your horrible actions!
High school was a rough time for me. But I thought college was my chance, you know? It’s an art school! I was so excited to finally be around artists, where it wouldn’t be nerdy to be into acting and literature. But it was too late. The chill girl ran deep inside me. I got to my first acting class and suddenly I realized, I couldn’t do anything weird or experimental because I was ~sexy acting~. I was so aware of how I looked during a scene or a warm-up. I stayed away from any roles that were weird or silly because people couldn’t know that I was a real person, that I was more than just a sexy face and a hot bod, I was silly! I could get the laugh, I was hilarious, and I knew that! However, that required me trying and that's just… not chill.
What a depressing hole I had dug for myself. It wasn’t until a real life man told me he literally didn’t care about me (he literally said that to my face) after having a very intimate 🤡 summer together, that I realized misandry (prejudice against men) is the only way.
Just kidding!!!!!!!!!!! Haha. Got you. But I’m not kidding. All those years of repressing my thoughts and feelings and internalizing all the misogyny in the world has led me to understand that I am unhinged. And that’s okay! It’s more than okay because if having thoughts and opinions, quirks, interests, and, most crazy of them all ~feelings~ makes me unhinged, then let me be unhinged. If you relate to any of this, this is your sign to let your crazy out. Being a chill girl is not worth it. If men are constantly going to say we are crazy we might as well be. Slay on, my unhinged girlies.
Comments