By: Evie Richards
I have spent the last seven weeks sitting in my highschool bedroom and I think I might finally understand the yellow wallpaper short story. This feeling of mild insanity mixed with hopelessness can only only mean one thing: It’s the new year! The post holiday dread is setting in and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for everyone who has been home for decades (a month and a half). As I write this most of us are probably scrambling to find a way to better ourselves until January 8th or so. It has been proven that only around 8% of people keep their new year's resolutions and those people are probably really annoying about it. As for the other 92% of us, I have taken the liberty of making a list of New Year’s resolutions that normal people can actually keep.
Don’t pay $14 dollars for a salad.
This is actually one of the best money saving tips I can offer. I used to work down the street from a Sweetgreen and ate there every other day which left me in financial ruin. It is leaves in a bowl and somehow we all fell for it. Not in 2024.
Argue with your spouse in public more.
This one is mostly for me cause I can't remember my Netflix login and there is no higher form of entertainment to me than listening to a couple on the verge of a breakup in the parking lot of a Panera Bread.
For the love of God don’t break no contact with your ex.
You two broke up for a reason. You do not need to “Happy New Year!” or “Happy Valentine's Day!” or god forbid “Merry Arbor Day!” your way back into their life.
Regularly Venmo a local lesbian whatever amount you feel is appropriate.
You can find me @evie_rrichards. Be blessed as you give.
Do not open tinder for a full calendar year.
Unless you are drunk or bored or desperate- actually just go ahead and scrap this one. We’re not beating it this year either.
Practice mindfulness idk
Just sit around and think or something then write those thoughts down maybe. Yeah that sounds good.
Go to River Street at 10pm on a Friday every now and then and watch drunk 40 somethings walk around.
At the end of the day, new year's resolutions are really just supposed to make you feel better about yourself for a short while. I cannot think of a better confidence booster than watching a sunburned guy drunk off four Coors Lites in a Vineyard Vines shirt try to walk down the cobblestone streets.
Wash your water bottle semi regularly.
If you're not gonna be at the gym you can still lead a more healthy year by preventing yourself from getting a rare mold disease.
Read more often.
Just anything. Conditioner bottles, stop signs, and the covers of books are all good places to start.
Stop hitting the curb with your car.
Last year I found out we built a retaining wall in our front yard and did not realize until I knocked part of it over with my car. If I can do it, so can you.
Best wishes for 2024. Auld lang syne or whateva.
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