By: Emma Sikes
Auld Lang Syne is a catchy song people drunkenly sing at New Years parties, it sounds old and distant but trust me you’ve definitely heard it before. The clunky and repetitive tune dates back to the 17th century and roughly translated to English means “Old Long Since” or “For the Sake of Old Times”. In the song a series of rhetorical questions are posed, all amounting to one point; unless you’re completely dead inside you should appreciate the value of reconnecting with old friends and reminiscing about old times. I am of course raising an opposing point: Are there some people who we’re better off leaving in the past? #ofcoursethereare #Iamalwaysright
This long, slow, and for some, dry month is finally coming to an end. The period of wishing happiness, health and new beginnings upon one another, inquiring about holiday traditions and shouting “Christmas Flex!” is almost over. We will soon make monotonous conversation about the frigid weather and how slow this so-called “new and improved” Crites elevator is. (Yes I do miss the butts that were previously plastered on the ceiling, but I don’t think it is a particularly interesting topic to discuss while riding said elevator.) #Criteslore #buttnnonetheless
Back to the topic at hand, things are coming to a close, I’m an old decrepit senior, and I’d like to think I have a surprisingly strong grip on most of the things in my life (just ask the man whose hand I last shook #surprisinglystrong). The vast grasp I have on my current life is including but not limited to; my rock hard sense of self and ability to read people. This skill has allowed me to spread my friendship seed throughout the land infecting many and killing none. #noconfirmedkills
The new year is about welcoming new people into your life, being open to blossoming relationships and unexpected connections. But the end of January is about cutting the fat,
(the metaphorical fat) of people who don’t serve you, friends that maybe don’t have your best interests at heart, buddies who let's just say it wouldn’t care if you lived or died. As the ultimate friend maker guru I feel I am fantastically suited to guide you through this time of dumping the excess friend weight. Maybe you and your intended ex-friend have inside jokes nobody else understands and maybe your wifi connects automatically at their house and they’ve seen you at your very worst and have the pictures to prove it, but you don’t like the you you are with them. Your baes should elevate every aspect of your multifaceted and awesome personality, and compliment it with their equally as marvelous and complicated vibe. And if they don't, we’re not bringing them into this new year. If you have resonated with any of these scenarios, buckle up while I answer the poignant and oh-so witty N punny question; Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot?
Don’t get me wrong I’m all about making my circle of friends as large and menacing as possible and I have a dream that one day we'll all get together, hold hands and stand on top of our actively burning globe making macaroni necklaces for each other. But in order for that dream to come true we (you) must weed out the unwilling participants. It sounds cutthroat, but we’re on a journey to becoming our fully realized selves, we can’t carry around dead weight friends who won’t vote on your instagram polls, or constantly bring up that embarrassing thing you did that one time in front of your current crush. You’re a fun, whimsical and spontaneous person, you’re bound to do much stupider things that will be way better anecdotes to the people that truly love you, dwelling on the past is for suckers. Here are some battle tested strategies to employ on those stragglers that haven’t proved themselves to be #pals just quite yet. We’re going into February knowing where we stand #hopefullyonbusiness #standingonbuisnessonly
Strategy #1
Reach out.
Sounds easy enough but this is a litmus test, a friend's ability to follow through on “we should hang-out” plans directly correlates to how much you can trust them with your deepest darkest secrets (who you're currently crushing on). Record their response time and analyze their enthusiasm level, you are a blast and a half and people should be chomping at the bit to get even minutes of your time.
Strategy #2
Gauge the amount of Gutterflies (gut butterflies) you get after each hang-out sesh.
Butterflies aren’t just for lovers anymore! If my buds don’t incite a downright riot in my gut, I’m moving on. Plus there are insane amounts of interesting and cool people who would be lucky to receive your friend love. Boring people exist. I’m not saying you shouldn’t engage with them, it may be the highlight of their boring day. I’m merely suggesting your tight knit circle you fall deep deep into friend love with should measure up to you and your swag level, which is concerningly high btw.
Strategy #3
Introduce friend to your entire family (weird cousins and messy twice removed Aunts included).
Do this very soon after your first hangout, waste no time with “what's your rice purity score” or “We should add each other on co-star” and skip right to “This is my mom and she’s now going to describe intensely personal details about my young adult life to you for and hour while you eat the dinner she might pay for”.
Blamo, you now have the power to assemble the #squadofalifetime. Take that legendary gang and pass out cups because “We'll drink a cup of kindness yet, or the sake of auld lang syne”. #AuldLangsyne #lyrics #sippinslizzards
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