By: Ally Chance
I’m no exception to the tragedy we call the Savannah dating pool, which is the same 50 recycled men making their way through the city like the black plague. But does that stop me? No, some may call me foolish, but I would say that I’m a lady of perseverance. In the time frame of a year, I have dated almost every blue-collar man in the book: Army, Navy, Marine, Firefighter, Train Conductor, Boat Mechanic, Welder, you get the point, okay? So, if you want to know the ins and outs of a man in uniform it’s safe to say I’m your girl. Read this and let me save you from crying over a 23-year-old man who sleeps in a glorified dorm room.
I can’t generalize them all into one category of stereotypes. Dating blue-collar men is like reading a Dr. Suess book. I’ve had smart ones and dumb ones, I’ve had nice ones and scum ones, but I can tell you this: any man with that amount of trauma will probably end up trying to ruin your life. The only advice I can give is through the experience I have had personally, so read with a light heart and don’t take it personally.
I’ve never had any man give me a suicide prevention card and say “You’ll need this by the time we’re over” until I met an army man. It’s safe to say he was right. I talked to him the longest out of all these men, I was really thinking “This is it. This is the guy I’m going to date.” I mean at one point I fully fucked this man and laid in his bed naked while he left the room to go return his ex’s phone call. I’ll give it to him, he was great in bed, so great that the second I left town he decided to hook up with my best friend and roommate. Charming group of guys they are, they’ll stare at you in the bar like you’re the only girl they’ve ever seen, give you nice compliments, they’ll even make you feel special when they call you a “barrack bunny.” I honestly don’t know how they keep up, telling 8 different girls the same thing at the same time.
Navy men are low commitment. At any given second you won’t hear from them for 2-3 weeks. All this time you’ll listen to your saddest songs and cry in your room wondering what you did to deserve to be ghosted. Don’t fear, he’s not ghosting you, he’s just submerged into the depths of the ocean on a submarine. He’ll send you an email 30 days in like “Hey, btw I’m underwater. Any good music out lately?” Like yeah, I guess Deli by Ice Spice just dropped and it’s a banger, but what do you mean you’re underwater?” You’ll email back and forth a couple times just repeating “how are you” until he’ll resurface with a buzz cut and pedo-stache. Be prepared to never know when you’ll hear from them, it’s basically like sexting your pen pal while the government watches.
Marines are great. They may have the most trauma out of any guy I’ve ever met. They’ll listen to your pointless drama and then drop the most out of pocket trauma on you like it’s nothing. They’ll show you their tattoos and it’s like “Yeah here’s a dragonfly for my mom, a bible verse, oh yeah and the symbol of death.” WHAT? Most of them drive a mustang which makes the most embarrassing sound at 8 am. It’s like the neighborhood rooster that wakes everyone up screaming “HEY I JUST FUCKED A MARINE.”
Firefighters are objectively the hottest ones, but nothing gets them more bricked up than that red shiny truck and the sound of sirens. Mid make out and a fire truck goes by, as they do, and the next thing I know he’s perched up on my windowsill with cartoon shaped heart eyes watching that baby go by. After he’s done admiring a vehicle though, he will want to be inside of you.
Listen, train conductors are chill, but they have limited brain cells. They kind of have to be a little dumb to stand on top of a train and post “Subway Surfers type shit” on their Snapchat story. The first time I went to a train conductor’s house I watched Outer Banks as I stared at the two shotguns resting against the window of his apartment. Was I scared? No, I bet you he doesn’t even know how to take the safety off that thing. It’s just blue-collar décor. In retrospect I should’ve known train conductors love cabooses I did not expect him to want to get in mine though.
Boat Mechanics are the nicest of them all. Probably the only ones worth your time. They’re handy and love to do the “manly” things for you like mount your TV. They probably got into the field by being former rich kids whose dad owned a boat growing up. I mean they know how to fish so they’ll even catch your dinner for you. You know they’ll own a boat one day too, you may have to live on it but, hey, we can make that work. Be warned they will show up at your house barefoot because I don’t think they own shoes. Just hose them down when they get there and get down to business.
Welders are hopeless romantics. Even their snapchat story will give you the ick. If they offer you a metal rose they made, you’re not special, they’ve already made an entire bouquet to give out. Don’t listen to their sob stories about how no one loves them, I promise it’s just a mass snap.
The advice I’d give to any woman who wants to win over any of these blue-collar men is to know every single Zach Bryan song by heart, never expect them to like you even when they say they do, and let them talk about their job like it’s the most interesting thing you’ve ever heard. Let them chase you as long as you can because they really just love the thrill. “Blue Collar, make you holler” I always say. Ok I don’t, but through my intense and in-depth research I’ve realized that if a man’s job requires him to kill, save, cut, fix, or fight he’s not worth your time or your tears. Boss up and find some CEO’s, ladies!
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