By: Emma Sikes
Halloween, just like all other holidays, was invented by the Card making companies, who also collabed with all the candy making companies and that one weirdo who is the CEO of Spirit Halloween. All of that collaboration resulted in an open invite to all, to become someone other than yourself, for just one night, to let out your inner freakazoid, get drunk and crazy in costumes, in public. As the highly talented and young China Anne Mclain once sang “Tonight all the monsters gonna dance”, and dance we shall.
Halloween is a topsy turvy balance for women, the hotties must one-up clever-slutty costumes from years past, and the funny girls have to hope and pray the facial hair they’ve glued to their face with be enough to secure them a “hey” from the boy in the football jersey across the bar. Neither end of the lady ‘stume spectrum are happy and most leave with that one girl's fake blood all over them anyway, so why does it matter what we dress up as?
I say it matters lots! It matters because everyone needs to be forced to be creative, even if only for one night. This holiday is an outlet wherein non-creatives can express themselves, and show off their niche interests. I say let the normies live out their creative dreams, you better buy that wig, Sara! Now that I’ve expressed the importance of one’s full commitment to this one night only freak fest, let’s get to a few ‘stumes to avoid this season.
Sexy Prisoners or Sexy Cops
In our current climate, this one just feels in poor taste. I get it, it’s quick and easy, but why confuse the drunk people wandering the streets more? I’d be way more into a less recognized government worker, possibly a dutiful FBI agent, or a sheet metal worker, even a firefighter- I feel like I never see much of those guys anymore. Throw on a teensy white tank and red pants with yellow suspenders and cosplay as a person willing to run into a GD burning building!
Angels
There’s nothing offensive about this one, it's just not conducive to the small place you are sure to be celebrating in. Sure the wings strapped on your back make you feel powerful and sexy, but you smacked five Dorothy’s, spilled both Barbie’s drinks over, and royally pissed off the short girl looking all over the party for any boy who committed as much as she did to him costume. Just don’t do it, the stume is bound to get un-white before the end of the night, and you’ll never use the wings again, you can keep them in the back of your closet, but all they’ll do is collect dust. There’s better options out there that are vaguely religious, be Rahab, she’s a biblical prostitute turned hero, same desired sluttiness, with a touch of scary bible knowledge.
Controversial Celebrities
Just don’t! Michael Jackson is a weird person to want to be, anyway, do you know how fucked up his brain must be? He was forced to dance and sing before you could even walk and talk, he’s a complicated guy who also did some fucked up stuff, put Thriller on your Halloween party playlist and just drop it.
There are plenty of ways to express your freaky self this Halloween, but before you ‘stume just remember people’s cultures are not costumes! Do your research, then get shit faced because otherwise you’ll be messing with that latex skin flap you bought all night, and without that you’re just a guy in a plaid shirt with strawberry syrup on your clothes, you need that bloody flap! Stop messing with your flap, dude!
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