By: Heide Barber
Picture it. The slight squish of the eccentrically patterned carpet, so old even Liberace turned his nose up to the outdated design. A waft of imitation butter so pungent the air that was once 78% Nitrogen and 21% Oxygen is now 100% Cholesterol. The cadence of voices from patrons too young to understand the artistry of filmmaking, patrons too senile to enjoy anything that’s not in black & white, and patrons who came to sit in those velvet stadium seats, or leather ones (we get it, you grew up in middle America). If any of this sends shivers down your spine, then you lived during the golden era of blockbuster cinema.
Unfortunately, like all things that are enjoyable, it died out. Those carpets got replaced, people became nutritionally conscious, and those old people died. Okay, they probably didn’t die, but the point is that the movie theater-going experience we all once knew adapted with the times; it changed. But all those changes weren’t bad; theaters implemented assigned seating which was life-changing for the anxiety-driven community. Then came the second wave of the modern war on theaters, streaming.
Not to be someone with a Roth 401K or someone who experienced any war before Iraq (You Know), but the era of streaming murdered the once beloved theater experience. Think about it, going to the theater was the event of the season. “Who are you wearing?” Kmart PJs. “What are you most excited for this evening?” To watch the rich actors whose pockets I fill with money entertain me for 90 minutes. “What’s on the menu?” A large bucket of popcorn, an obscenely large root beer, skittles, and the three quesaritos sitting warmly in my waistband. You snuck in food too, don’t lie. So, let me be less harsh, streaming isn’t a murderer, but it changed the dynamic of how we ingest media. Why put in the effort of gathering the troops to watch yet another remake of a classic? Just LEAVE THEM ALONE, GET ORIGINAL IDEAS... My apologies, sore subject, but you still get the point. Once streaming became the main bae, movie theaters became the side bae you call when you want a human touch.
However, there is hope. Because as our AMC mommy Nicole Kidman once said, “We come to this place for magic,” but starting July 21st, we will come to this place for Barbenheimer. Unless you’re Michael Cera, who still owns and operates a damn flip phone, you know about Greta Gerwig’s Barbie movie and Christopher Nolan’s Oppenheimer. The two films could not be more different unless Barbie decides to drop a bomb. When the release of both films was announced to hit movie theaters on July 21st, there was blood in the water. At first, a rivalry commenced between these two highly anticipated ball-busting cinematic films as fans weren’t ready to accept this amount of ‘Puss’ to be served in one day. However, fan-powered viral marketing has created the double-feature blockbuster event of the Summer, maybe even the year.
Let’s drop some knowledge. Amidst the anticipation and buzz, the arrival of the Barbie movie and Oppenheimer heralds a new era in film, defying expectations and challenging conventions. Greta Gerwig's Barbie movie promises a playful and empowering exploration of the iconic doll's journey, transcending stereotypes with wit, charm, and Ken. Meanwhile, Christopher Nolan's Oppenheimer delves into the depths of history, weaving a mesmerizing narrative that unravels the enigma of one of the world's most influential figures. Aka, a man who wants to go boom boom. With their distinctive styles and visionary storytelling, these films represent the breadth and diversity of cinema, appealing to a wide range of audiences hungry for both whimsical escapades and thought-provoking narratives. Leaving us with that warm nostalgic feeling movie theaters gave us when we looked up at the marquee.
Now, the movie theater event of the season, the year, and the millennium are T-minus a few days away or a couple of months too late, depending on when you’re reading this. So brace yourself for a cinematic feast of epic proportions, where the boundaries of imagination will be shattered, and the silver screen will come alive with magic, leaving an indelible mark on the cinematic landscape. If that sounded inspirational, it’s because that was me channeling AMC mommy Nicole Kidman and I fucking nailed it. My recommendation for the big Barbenheimer day is to watch a video about the absolute atrocities of nuclear warfare, take an edible, put a downpayment on a doomsday bunker, then go to Oppenheimer. Following that with a light pallet cleanser of chicken tenders and restaurant ranch. After that, dress up in hues of pink, check in on your inner child, and get fucked up on dirty shirleys while smoking a girl blunt. After your appearance at your local AMC, Regal, Cinemark, or whatever establishment you paid a hefty ticket for, head home and look at yourself in the mirror. Because the person looking back at you will be a whole new you, bitch.
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